School makes me feel so shitty.

I honestly don’t know how I’m going to survive in college if I feel this way about school right now. If I didn’t have to go to college, I probably wouldn’t even be going. I’m so sick and tired of all these stupid misconceptions that if you don’t go to college, you’ll fail at life. I know plenty of people who are financially stable and actually HAPPY with their life even if they didn’t attend college.

College is bullshit and so is school. Can I just fast forward to the part of my life where I’m happy and have a nice, stable job that will be able to support me?

Wasting my life away

Another month is about to come and go, it doesn’t look like 2014 will be a good year. When did life get so dreary and mundane? I stopped caring and investing my time in things that make me happy. I’m so tired of doing the same thing every day. Wake up. Go to school. Come home. Sleep. The cycle just repeats itself over and over again.

When I was younger, this was not how I imagined my life to be. It’s depressing to realize that I had such high hopes for myself when I was a kid, and now look at me. I’m not living the life I want to live.

My life is mundane, and I’m starting to view the world through black and white. No rose colored glasses for me.

I’m stupid, and I make myself feel shitty.

sticks and stones may break my bones but words will break my heart


growing up, we learned to protect ourselves. 
we made sure that we had wrists made of steel and
that our bones were made of diamonds.
we taught our skin to be tough, to be able to
take the cuts and bruises that life brings.
we grew up with people telling us to repeat the phrase,
"sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"
in our heads, over and over again. 
little did they know how wrong they were
because while we made our exterior tough,
we forgot about how hearts and our minds.
we forgot about how our hearts can break and 
our minds can replay conversations and events
over and over and over again. 
they knew that we forgot, so instead of 
hurling sticks and stones, they threw
words of hatred, of anger.
we’re a bit older now, and
we have learnt to keep our hearts and minds
bulletproof but there are still days
when words of hurt and pain
will find a way into our insides.
we’re older now, so the words that
hurt us are no longer
"bitch" and "ugly". 
instead they are
"i don’t love you anymore" and
"i fucked her" and 
"it was never you."
i don’t love you anymore.
i fucked her.
it was never you.
i don’t love you anymore.
i don’t love you anymore.
i don’t love you anymore. 
you see,
sticks and stones may break my bones but sometimes
words will rip my insides to shreds. 
sticks and stones may break my bones but sometimes
words will leave me lying on my bathroom floor
hoping that the world will swallow me whole.
sticks and stones may break my bones but sometimes
words will break my heart,
and let me tell you
bones breaking hurts less than your
heart shattering into pieces. 


I. Am. So. Done. With. Everyone. Senior year is supposed to be the time where everyone has fun and make tons of memories together, yet that has barely happened.

Looking back at my freshmen year of high school, I always dreamed that my senior year would be perfect. I would have a great group of friends who basically spent 24/7 together. People I could relate to emotionally and what not. It’s not like that though, and I’m so hurt that people make excuses to not spend time together. I understand that there are other responsibilities in a person’s life, but your friends should at least be high up on your priority ladder.

This just goes to show that the people you think will always be there for you really aren’t. They never were. The friendship will never be 50/50.

Why can’t I ever let myself be happy for once in my goddamn life? Honestly, it’s pretty shitty of me to treat myself this way. I deserve happiness. I deserve the world handed to me on a platter. I don’t deserve to feel sad. No one does.


And still,

I cannot help but feel empty inside.

School makes me so sad. It literally drains the life out of me. When did I start becoming so cynical about something I used to love? Senior year. That’s it.

Broadcast Journalism just isn’t the same anymore. I miss all of the graduated students. My sophomore year in broadcast journ was hands down the greatest time ever. I had so much fun, and I looked forward to going to second period everyday but now I dread it. The person I was looking forward to seeing the most got her schedule changed, and it really did make me want to cry. What’s the point in even trying in this class anymore? I’m not close to anyone in this current semester; I’ve never felt so alone in what used to be my favorite class of all time.

New Years Resolutions

1. Be as happy as possible.
2. Rid my life of toxic people.
3. Learn to appreciate the little things.

That’s it.